The Trouble With Cupcakes
by itsjustme1217
Summary: It is Edward and Bella's daughter, Renesmee's third birthday and Edward has been commissioned to bring the cupcakes home from work for the party. AH


**Cupcake Ward One Shot Contest **

**Rating:M**

**Pairing:Edward/Bella**

**Genre:Humor**

**Word Count:3756**

**Summary:It is Edward and Bella's daughter, Renesmee's third birthday and Edward has been commissioned to bring the cupcakes home from work for the party. AH**

**Disclaimer:Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and all the characters.**

**Special thanks to my beta team Krystih, RPfangirlDC, and Stefter**

I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom of my home, straightening my tie. I swept my fingers through my hair and rinsed my mouth with mouthwash. Finally ready for work, I exited the restroom and collected my briefcase.

In the kitchen, my wife, Bella, prepared bacon and eggs for breakfast. I walked up behind her as she stood at the stove with a spatula. Wrapping my arms around her waist, I leaned down and kissed her neck.

Just as she leaned in to my touch, our three year old daughter, Renesmee came bounding down the stairs. I sighed and pulled away from Bella and smiled at my little girl. At her insistence, I helped her tiny frame onto her chair and ruffled her blond curls. Three years old today. She was more beautiful every year. God help me when she's sixteen.

Bella caught my eye as I stood and motioned for me to follow her into the hall. I no sooner stepped into the room before Bella turned to me, talking quickly but quietly.

"I am going to cook hot dogs and mac 'n cheese for dinner." I rolled my eyes even though I knew it was Nessie's favorite. "The party's at 7. Rose and Alice are coming to help me set up. The clown is booked. The gift bags are made. The decorations are hidden in the hall closet. The ice cream is in the freezer and the gifts are wrapped." Bella rambled without breathing.

I smiled at her affectionately. Bella had a one track mind and had been obsessing over this party for two months now. A blush crept up her face and she looked at me worriedly. "Edward, I forgot to get a cake." She told me as she proceeded to chew on her bottom lip.

"I can get a cake Bella. Don't worry." I told her.

"Cupcakes," she said quickly.

"What?"

"Please, can you get cupcakes? I think it will be easier for the kids to handle and won't require utensils or plates, or cutting. No fuss." she explained.

"Okay," I said slowly, "Still no problem. I'll stop at the bakery on my way home from work. No big deal."

Bella exhaled loudly. "Thank you Edward. You have no idea what a help that will be."

I stepped closer to her and pulled her into my arms. My lips touched hers with a brush before the sound of Renesmee beating a spoon against the table was heard from the next room. If I didn't know better I would swear that kid has some kind of fun meter built inside of her. As soon as she senses her mother and I enjoying anything, she becomes hell bent on disrupting. We made our way back to the kitchen and Nessie's face lit in a knowing smile at our entrance.

Breakfast, as always, was loud and messy. The kid got more food on her than in her. I laughed to myself as I walked to the door. Bella followed behind me but before we even made it to the door the our sweet little angel could be heard banging her spoon against the table again. Turning quickly, I caught Bella and pulled her into my embrace. I kissed her passionately to make up for the times lately we had both been denied.

Bella wobbled when I let her go. Her eyes were glazed over and her mouth hung agape. Yep, I still got it, I thought just before a plate could be heard crashing against a wall in the kitchen. Bella took off at a run as I opened the door to leave. Some days it is good to go to work, I laughed to myself.

I placed my brief case in the backseat of the Volvo and then slid behind the wheel. I arrived at work fifteen minutes early. I met with my secretary and found that I had a light schedule. I finished everything by eleven o'clock and with nothing else to do until my meeting at one, I decided to go out for lunch and pick up the cupcakes as well so that after work I could straight home to my family.

I slid back into the Volvo and placed the key in the ignition, gave it a turn and ...nothing. I tried again but still the engine failed to turn over. I got out and used my thumb to find and flip the switch under the hood. Leaning over to better be able to see, I noticed the dim glow of the headlights. Shit. Dead battery. I retrieved my briefcase and hurried back inside to call a cab.

I called and explained to Bella what had happened and told her I would call the mechanic, Jake, to come take a look this afternoon. I waited on the curb for twenty minutes for the taxi. When he finally arrived, I had to kick the trash out of my way so I could fit into the backseat.

The cabbies name was Sam and he talked about his brothers for the entire ride. In my opinion, they sounded like a pack of dogs, the way he spoke of their activities -wrestling, fighting over food, and cliff diving -among their past times. By the time the yellow car pulled in front of the restaurant, my head felt like Nessie was pounding on it with her spoon.

The waitress, Tanya, was very attentive. She brought me water with lemon and took my order. I got the special of the day, spaghetti. When they young red head brought my order, she was looking right at me and smiling but tripped over something on the floor. I looked but I didn't see anything. I did however see the red sauce stains in my lap. I don't know what the hell was wrong with that girl but she turned red as a beet and began to cry.

The hostess made her way over and helped the waitress to the back of the restaurant. Bus boys came to the clean up the mess. The manager brought me a wetnap and told me my meal was on the house. Damn glad to hear it since I never even got a bite of it.

I rinsed off the best I could in the bathroom but it still looked like I had somehow managed to piss kool aid. I left the restaurant and decided to just walk the three blocks to the bakery. I stepped out on to the sidewalk and looked up at the bright blue sky.

I noticed how the warm the sun felt on my face. What I didn't notice though was the power lines above me or the birds perched there. I hurriedly stepped away when I felt it hit my shoulder but the damage was done. Luckily, I had a tissue still in my pocket from the pasta incident. However, all this served to do is smear the mess around the front of my suit jacket.

I stopped and sat down on a bench as I wiped harder. I knew my mistake as soon as I sat down. I looked next to me and sure enough the sign sat facing away from me. I picked it up and turned it toward me as if I needed further proof than my soaking ass. Wet Paint.

I stood and placed my hand on my behind right into the paint seeping through my pants because that's what dumb asses do. Realizing my mistake, I jerked my hand back and stared at the pale white color.

_Shit! What time is it?_ I switched my jacket into my other hand to look at my watch. I stood in confirmation of male stupidity as I realized that I had shifted my jacket right into the hand covered in paint. I stood in confusion as I looked at my right hand, no watch. Damnit, I left my watch on the sink in the restaurant bathroom.

I walked back to get my watch but of course it was missing from the spot where I had left it. I saw a clock on the wall above the bar. 12:35. Fuck! No time for cupcakes. I hailed a taxi whose owner lectured me about appearances and respecting other people's property.

When we pulled in front of the advertising agency where I worked, I figured I had just enough time to change into the extra suit I kept in a garment bag in the back of the Volvo. I ran to the parking spot where my car was parked only to find it missing. _Someone stole my car!_

I arrived in my office to find that my secretary had quit with no explanation. The intern couldn't find my datebook anywhere and the computers were all down. My car had been stolen and I didn't even have time to call the police because even though I had lost my watch, I estimated myself to be at least fifteen minutes late for the meeting with the board.

So with nothing to change into, I resigned myself to walking into this meeting with paint all over my ass, spaghetti stains all over my crotch and bird shit all over my jacket. The pitiful stares of my colleagues made me uncomfortable as did the lecture from my boss about personal hygiene.

That's an hour of my life I will never get back. I have never been so embarrassed. I could feel my body glowing with a hot flush. I sat there as they all stared at me and I hung my head in shame. All I could think about was getting the cupcakes and getting home.

Back in my office, I called the police and reported my car stolen. I was told they would send an officer right away so I hung up and called Bella. She laughed at me when I told her the car had been stolen. Laughed. Then she explained that she had phoned Jake. He had picked up her set of keys from the house and was going to replace the battery in the Volvo and deliver it back to me before time for me to leave for the day. However, I would not be able to change clothes before I picked up the cupcakes and made it home. _Damn._

I was relieved the car had not been stolen though so I laughed along with her but then I remembered the police. I rang back to tell them it was unnecessary to come but an officer showed up a half an hour later anyway and spent twenty minutes berating me about wasting tax payers money.

Needless to say I was not in a good mood, sitting in my office in my filthy suit after having been yelled at for things that were not my fault. Not too mention worrying about whether I would have a job come Monday morning.

I leaned back in my chair and thought about what a nightmare this day had turned into. I had listened to lectures from a cab driver, my boss, and a cop. I got spaghetti dumped in my lap. I didn't get a bite of it, or anything else for that matter. Lost my watch. A bird defiled me. I felt myself grow angrier and angrier as I thought about the humiliation of sitting through that meeting.

_You know when this all started?_ I thought to myself. This morning in the hall. Bella had said that cursed word, _cupcakes_, and Nessie had immediately started banging her spoon in the kitchen. Clearly that word opens the portal to hell and I have fallen through to the other side.

"Can you bring home some cupcakes Edward?" I mocked in a childish petulant tone.

_Motherfucking Cupcakes!_

Oh I am going to get the damn cupcakes all right. Cause it is a fucking mission now. I closed my eyes and envisioned myself as a ninja, all in green with black war paint on my cheeks, somersaulting through the streets with nun-chucks. I'd run into the bakery so fast I would just look like a green streak. I would flip over the counter, grab a box of cupcakes, and then back flip my way back out the door.

I sighed deeply and opened my eyes and glanced at the clock. Twenty minutes and I can go get the damn cupcakes and go home. Correction. Get the damn cupcakes, go home and shower. Maybe shower with Bella.

_What? A guy a can dream._

And showering with Bella is my favorite things to dream about. The water trickling down her skin and over her curves. Her nipples, pink and budded. Her hair glistening and hanging down her back to her perfect tight little ass.

"Mmmm" I groaned lowly, palming my erection through my dress slacks.

My office door came flying open with a thud and in walked Mike Newton. _I hate this guy._ He is always trying to belittle me to make himself look better. He smiled smugly at catching me with my hand in the cookie jar so to speak.

Mike comes in with a stack of papers and I hurried righted myself in my chair. He slammed the papers down and placed his fingertips on my desk, leaning down.

"Felix wants these papers converted to digital files before you leave for the weekend. Unless you have something else that needs tending to. Maybe something more pressing?" his tone dropping to a suggestive and sarcastic tone.

'Why Michael, are you suggesting you would like to suck my dick?" I said loud enough for any coworkers in the hall to have heard loud and clear.

He stood quickly and glared at me. I palmed my now faded erection and smirked at him. His face turned nearly purple as he stomped out the door.

Good riddance.

Great! Fifteen minutes till time to leave and I now have another hour of work to do. I sagged in my seat, deflated. Suddenly the phone rang and I answered, hearing Bella's voice on the other end.

"Oh Edward, I am so glad I caught you. Jake called and said there is more wrong with the Volvo than just the battery. He will not be able to return it this tonight."

"Of course he did," I muttered.

"Honey do you want me to have Emmett pick you up and send Alice out for the cupcakes?"

"Hell no! I am _going_ to get the cupcakes. I'm a man and I can get fucking cupcakes," I flattened my voice out to a steely tone, "Nothing will stop me from getting the cupcakes."

"Edward are you okay?" she asked wearily.

"I'm fine. It's been a helluva day but I am fine. I'm going to be running late but I will pick up the cupcakes and then I am coming home to shower. I may never leave the house again." I told before hanging up.

I resigned myself just getting the work done and so I got busy. It didn't take too long and with no problems or setbacks, I finished in about 45 minutes. I hailed a taxi and thankfully spent an uneventful journey to the bakery. But when we pulled up in front and I saw the "Closed" sign in the window, I realized what makes good men snap into serial killers. _It all started when they were trying to get cupcakes for their kid._

I used the map app on my cellphone to locate another pastry shop. I found one twenty-three blocks away. _Fuck!_ I gave the driver the address and of course we were stuck in traffic for half an hour but we finally made it in one piece at least.

The lights in the building were dim. _Why didn't I call first? Oh right! Dumbass._ I was so intent on making sure the shop was open that I jumped out and slammed the car door shut...right on my hand. _Sonofawhore!_

I clutched my swelling and stinging fingers to my chest as I stumbled toward the door. Thank the heavens when I pushed on the metal handle the door swung open. I ordered eight dozen cupcakes. One of every flavor they have because that's how this shit is going down.

I practically begged for ice for my hand and the young man took pity on me and delivered it promptly. I gingerly held the bag he had placed it in in my palm and against my fingers. I reached around to my back pocket to retrieve my wallet. But I came up empty. _No wallet?_

Realizing that I must have dropped it in the taxi, I asked the cashier to wait just a moment and made my way to the door. I could see before I even stepped onto the sidewalk that the taxi driver was gone. _Gone._ With my wallet.

I turned back around where the young man was watching me expectantly. I pinched the bridge of my nose in disbelief, trying to wrap my mind around this fuckery. I am looking at the damn cupcakes but I can't buy any and I am stranded.

_What am I going to do?_

_I gotta do something!_

_Did Rambo stop half way up the stairs? Did James Bond ever tell the girl no? Did Homer Simpson just give up drinking? Hell no!_

I began pacing across the front of the store, pulling at my hair in frustration. I heard some man muttering about "fucking cupcakes" in a loud whisper and I knew just how he felt. Then I heard a voice calling my name and I knew for a fact that God hates me. I looked up slowly and there he was. Mike Newton.

"What?" I snapped. I am in no mood for his shit.

But when he started talking I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Edward I want to apologize for the way I have treated you in the past. I've been an ass hole and ...well, I'm sorry. Please, let me pay for your cupcakes. Dude, you look like shit. I feel sorry for you."

I looked down at myself and realized that I looked like a homeless person. Okay, so what choice did I have but to let him pay for the cupcakes? I wasn't going down like a pussy though. As I pressed my back against the glass of the door pressing it open. I yelled loudly, "Thanks Mike. Don't worry I won't tell anybody what I did to earn these cupcakes." Then I winked at him, as he stood with his mouth hanging open, and walked out.

I was able to get another cab and I prayed that Bella had cash on her. As we stopped in front of the house I saw Jasper in the front yard having a smoke. After answering a dozen questions, I finally got him to pay the eighty five dollars I owed the cabbie.

I felt a tear in my eyes as I made my way to the front door. _I made it. Mission accomplished._

I stepped in and was immediately assaulted by friends and family all asking their questions but I just nodded and smiled as I made my way through to the living room. Bella and Renesmee sat on the floor surrounded by presents and family members armed with cameras.

"Is that for me daddy?" Nessie asked pointing at the boxes in my hands.

"Yes they are." I replied, walking over and placing them next to her. I kneeled down and kissed Bella on the cheek and she lifted her brow, questioning my attire, I'm sure. I just shook my head slightly.

Nessie pulled the top box down in front of her and pulled open the top. "Oh my!" she squealed, "My daddy loves me lots," she spoke matter-of-factly, "He brought me cupcakes"

And suddenly it was all worth it.

I stood and smiled walking to the bedroom to gather my things for a shower. Bella soon followed, just before I entered the bathroom.

"Edward, what happened to you today?" she asked.

I thought of Renesmee's face as she peered in the box and saw the cupcakes. I shook my head, laughing, "Nothing." I called over my shoulder as I walked toward the bathroom. Then, I stopped and turned toward her once more.

"But Bella you're going to need burn this suit. We owe Jasper eighty- five dollars. Also, I am going to need you to take me to get x-rays in the morning because I am pretty sure my hand is broken. And Bella?"

"Yes?" she asked, eyeing me wearily.

"I am never, **ever **buying cupcakes again."


End file.
